detectivesonnshine:

miss–midnight:

biteythevillain:

so my roomates girlfriend just caught me in the kitchen and its so hard to play it cool when you never see this person you only hear her yowling like a cat in heat while her asshole gets played with so me, trying to act as casual as i possibly could, forgot i was holding an onion and not a delightful apple and bit into it fully expecting a honeycrisp but instead got the equiv of biting solid piss 

lol wtaf. i can’t read a single word of this paragraph

Ok but imagine being the gf here

You’ve been chillin with ur S/O and u decide to get up and get a snack. U never talk to ur S/O’s roommate, but u wanna play it cool like u didn’t just have sex 20 minutes ago in this apartment while said roommate was probably home. Awk af, but u got this.

U look up and nod at them, about to offer a noncommittal “hey” or “how’s it going,” when the fucking roommate just

Looks u dead in the eyes

And fuckin

Bites a goddamn onion like an apple